Friends are weird. I'm referring to the whole sense of having "friends" being weird, not that my friends are weird, and not that I'm saying they cannot be both true. I'm not trying to give this impression that I'm this totally introverted loner guy either, because I'm not that at all. I hope you don't see me that way after reading this. I like finding myself in social situations and I believe being surrounded by different kinds of people and interacting with them in a personal level allow me to develop my character and personality. However, as you might have noticed in my previous post, I recently realized that I'm the type of person who cannot keep friends. Sure, I go out with these people and they know me really well and I know them just as much. We share stories which we are all forced to believe are interesting, we tell jokes we are all forced to laugh at, and overall I think we're forced to believe that we all get each other, and that's fine. They're my companions whenever I need them. And then they can all go. I can go too. But I don't think I have ever been part of a steady circle of friends. I'm always just a floater.
Before our graduation in high school (I remember this very vividly), the class which I was part of arranged this party at some place where there was swimming pool and food and everything, and in the middle of all the happenings my then best friends and I, the three of us went away like six blocks from the place, and we just sat on the empty road quiet for a long time realizing that we're all about to go our separate ways and have separate lives once we enter college. I played the songs on my phone to break the silence and we started to sing along and it's all happy. We know those songs really well because there are certain situations and people we associated with it, so it's all fun. And then this particular song played. My friend sitting to my right just started crying. And then my friend sitting to my left started crying as well. You bet a million I also started crying right then and there. We were all just crying quietly on our own for a while and nobody talked. Until of course we talked about the future and our plans in college, and we promised that nothing would change about the three of us, and also with our other friends who weren't with us then. Our friendship would always forever remain.
Of course it didn't. When we graduated, in the beginning we would always find time to meet although we're far away from each other. We would go around the campus and do things together, until of course we all got busy, and we all made new friends, and the meetings happened less frequently, and until it didn't matter to us anymore. It was just a matter of time.
Personally, I still care about them. I want to be friends with them again. I know we're still friends, but things have changed. Of course, I know, things change and I accept it -- especially when the things I care a lot about that disappear are not the things that keep me breathing. The personal connections I thought were essential to me would disappear, and I am just left surprised by how my life could still go on. But it happens, and I can just let it. The rare encounters with old friends have become special, but the awkwardness of the how-are-you's overcome my feelings. All of a sudden it's difficult for me to ask about their personal lives already. It's almost like they are people I don't know at all.
And now I see it happening again to me in college. Every term, who my friends are changes. And my friends the previous term aren't so much my friends the next term. I don't know if it's something about me that's making this happen or it's just the natural way of things, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me. I think I care about people and friendships, and I'm aware that some people can see me as a friend, but I still lack this quality to keep friends. It's very much like when I meet new people in different places. I have a good time with them and for some moments I know I've made a new friend, but the bond disappears very quickly. It must have something to do with how I define friendship and how I base it. When do I consider someone a friend? How do I see someone as a friend? I don't know. I don't keep friends; I just keep acquainted. It's almost like I don't care so much about friends after all.
It's funny how much I've used the word friend in this post and in the end I came to the conclusion that I might have never had any friends at all.