27 August, 2012

I'm Not Your Friend


Friends are weird. I'm referring to the whole sense of having "friends" being weird, not that my friends are weird, and not that I'm saying they cannot be both true. I'm not trying to give this impression that I'm this totally introverted loner guy either, because I'm not that at all. I hope you don't see me that way after reading this. I like finding myself in social situations and I believe being surrounded by different kinds of people and interacting with them in a personal level allow me to develop my character and personality. However, as you might have noticed in my previous post, I recently realized that I'm the type of person who cannot keep friends. Sure, I go out with these people and they know me really well and I know them just as much. We share stories which we are all forced to believe are interesting, we tell jokes we are all forced to laugh at, and overall I think we're forced to believe that we all get each other, and that's fine. They're my companions whenever I need them. And then they can all go. I can go too. But I don't think I have ever been part of a steady circle of friends. I'm always just a floater.


Before our graduation in high school (I remember this very vividly), the class which I was part of arranged this party at some place where there was swimming pool and food and everything, and in the middle of all the happenings my then best friends and I, the three of us went away like six blocks from the place, and we just sat on the empty road quiet for a long time realizing that we're all about to go our separate ways and have separate lives once we enter college. I played the songs on my phone to break the silence and we started to sing along and it's all happy. We know those songs really well because there are certain situations and people we associated with it, so it's all fun. And then this particular song played. My friend sitting to my right just started crying. And then my friend sitting to my left started crying as well. You bet a million I also started crying right then and there. We were all just crying quietly on our own for a while and nobody talked. Until of course we talked about the future and our plans in college, and we promised that nothing would change about the three of us, and also with our other friends who weren't with us then. Our friendship would always forever remain.


Of course it didn't. When we graduated, in the beginning we would always find time to meet although we're far away from each other. We would go around the campus and do things together, until of course we all got busy, and we all made new friends, and the meetings happened less frequently, and until it didn't matter to us anymore. It was just a matter of time.


Personally, I still care about them. I want to be friends with them again. I know we're still friends, but things have changed. Of course, I know, things change and I accept it -- especially when the things I care a lot about that disappear are not the things that keep me breathing. The personal connections I thought were essential to me would disappear, and I am just left surprised by how my life could still go on. But it happens, and I can just let it. The rare encounters with old friends have become special, but the awkwardness of the how-are-you's overcome my feelings. All of a sudden it's difficult for me to ask about their personal lives already. It's almost like they are people I don't know at all.


And now I see it happening again to me in college. Every term, who my friends are changes. And my friends the previous term aren't so much my friends the next term. I don't know if it's something about me that's making this happen or it's just the natural way of things, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me. I think I care about people and friendships, and I'm aware that some people can see me as a friend, but I still lack this quality to keep friends. It's very much like when I meet new people in different places. I have a good time with them and for some moments I know I've made a new friend, but the bond disappears very quickly. It must have something to do with how I define friendship and how I base it. When do I consider someone a friend? How do I see someone as a friend? I don't know. I don't keep friends; I just keep acquainted. It's almost like I don't care so much about friends after all. 


It's funny how much I've used the word friend in this post and in the end I came to the conclusion that I might have never had any friends at all.









oliver.

26 August, 2012

Aiming for Victory


We have this sports fest in the college of science in my university. It's just people representing different institutes like math, biology, physics, chemistry competing in games for some reason. I'm not really sure what the winners get, but I'm guessing it's gotta be something cool. Somehow, the chemistry team managed to become the champions last year, and this year we're aiming for that again. It's possible. People from chemistry are a bunch of fantastic kids. Really.


As much as I love supporting our institute, I still haven't made up my mind yet about which game to compete in. As you might have known already, I'm not a very athletic person. I consider myself more of the artistic type and the scientific type, and there's only so much my talented being could handle so I decided to pass on having such heroic, olympic kind of abilities to keep myself from being too ridiculously awesome already. But I can like, run. And I think I can run quite fast, considering I have such long legs I can cover quite great distances. Really, my running is the only thing I can ever depend on in case of a zombie apocalypse, or if I ever got on Survivor. I'm really crazy. I'm aware that I have poor athletic abilities but I still dream of getting on Survivor where I would certainly just be torturing myself.


So anyway, this sports fest is pretty huge, and everyone's looking for players. It's nice to have this kind of event in our college also because most freshmen get really enthusiastic to join. And I feel very excited for them. Like, what's a better way to kick off your college life than to join a team that represents your institute and compete with the others? It must be really fun for them, especially if they win. I feel happy for them. But not if they lose, then I will feel sad.


I think I'm going to play dodgeball, but only if they're still needing players in that category. I used to play dodgeball a lot when I was a kid, and I remember having a really fun time at it. And I have this memory of one game I played where I dodged really, really well. Although it's been a long time since I last played and I might be a little rusty already, it's still going to be fun to try it out. I would play football if I know someone in the team. I don't play football, but it's going to be fun to just try it out. That's why I need someone who I know in our team, so that it's not going to be so embarrassing.


Oh, and because I'm part of this student organization in my institute, I was one of those people who worked on creating the amazing mascot of our team. Our team is called Pyramidines, by the way, a play with the words "pyramid" and "pyrimidine." Pyrimidine is obviously a name of some sort of chemistry thing. And we used pyramid because our theme is Egyptian, and I'm not sure why. Anyway, the mascot we made was super cool, and it was shown last Friday. It was like chaos, assembling the body parts of the mascot and putting it on the guy. Everyone was in a rush, and that poor guy was sweating a lot because of the heat. Oh well, that's part of his job. And it was hard for us too, the production team. Kudos to the people who worked really hard to materialize that mascot from the sketch to the actual costume. I know most of them delayed doing their homework and they all passed on some sleep. I did not. I prioritized sleep over everything like I always do, so really, huge thanks to the people who were a hundred percent committed to the project and for finishing a great job. I'm glad I helped out even though I did only fairly little, but still it's great because the mascot turned out really, really cool.


And lastly because I'm trying to attract some winning juju if ever I do decide to play, I watched some episodes of Survivor again (Heroes vs Villains specifically, my favorite season) and I just can't help but adore Parvati over and over again. Seriously, she's amazing. She's a great character on the show, and she's great at the game -- both physically and strategically. She's my favorite Survivor of all time, and I'm just very happy to re-watch past Survivor episodes and see her play again. Also, the story and gameplay of Heroes vs Villains are particularly superb so it's always great to rewatch this season.









kudos to hardworking chemistry students.
oliver.

15 August, 2012

Well Well Well


First I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. That means I'm thanking you, because I believe there's a 99% probability that you're actually reading my blog right now. There's a formula for determining the probability of occurrence of things and I learned that in high school, and it involves some strange mathematical operator in the form of an exclamation mark called factorials, and I made sure I knew of that before I typed that previous sentence because I really want to make sure that it is true that there's a 99% chance you're reading this. So I'm thanking you for reading my blog whether or not you like what I write. If you like it, then thank you for being nice and cool. If you don't like it, then I still want to thank you because you're giving my blog some hits regardless. I don't really gain anything by getting my blog some hits so I couldn't care less about it, but I want to find something to thank you for because I'm feeling really nice and thankful right now, so there's that. Thank you.


I also want to say that from now on my blog posts will be a bit different. I think it's going to become more personal now, because I'm basically just going to share thoughts and things about my life from now on. But that's the way my blog has always been, so right now I'm confused about what change is really going to happen. I can't really explain it, but my blog posts will just be different in some way, and it started in the previous post where I just wrote anything that was in my head at the moment and I didn't care a lot about the editing. It's going to be much like that from now on, so there's a 99% chance my blog is going to be more random, my grammar more terrible, my language more of crap and stuff. My spelling is going to remain nice though. I used to be a champion speller when I was a kid, so there's a 99% chance my spelling will always forever be nice.


That 99% thing is starting to get annoying.


I think doing my blog this way is necessary since before I always thought too hard about what to write about and how I'm going to write it. Because of that later on my blogging experience became less fun like it's too much of a task. And then my blog posts started to become very depressing. Like, I read a couple of my more recent previous posts and I'm just shocked by how sad and depressing they all were. It's almost like it wasn't me talking. It's like all boohoo life is terrible, boohoo I'm starting to get serious about things and my future wawaawaa. Like, that's no fun at all. And I'm not really sure whether I actually felt that way during the times I wrote it, I'm quite sure I did, but my motto in life has always been "just enjoy life" and I'm always this laid-back-everything-goes-easy kind of guy so I feel bad that I wrote a couple of posts which were too depressing for everyone's sake.


So what am I going to talk about? I'm pretty sure there will be a lot of school stuff. But I promise you they will be interesting. Science is always interesting. I think it's going to be fun talking about life in school too. I think I'm going to talk about some of my classmates! Shit, that would be great. I'm quite sure a few of them know about my blog although I'm not sure whether they read it. I think it's going to be exciting when they read something here and they realize who I'm talking about. Like, talking crap about. There are some people in school I don't like and that's mainly because I don't like a lot of things, and also it's hard to find something to like about them. Won't it be fun if they realize that this despicable person doing this phony thing in school I'm writing about was actually them? Baby Jesus, I'm getting excited. It's getting quite boring in school with all my classmates being total bores, so at least maybe this is going to give them something fun to talk about.


Well I know this isn't a good way to keep friends. But I don't keep friends anyway; I keep acquainted.


I bet I sounded so immature in this post. Ha. Trust me, I am way more mature than most people. Anyway, cheers to more blog posts in the future! 









kudos to the awesome people who read this.
oliver.

08 August, 2012

World World World


I know I should be doing my lab reports. Like, right now. Especially because there's practically a hurricane, tornado, huge rain-carrying gusts of wind outside that might cut out the electricity again at any time God allows these things to. I just mentioned it there so yes, I do believe in God, contrary to what most people think. I actually use God's name in many typical sentences. Like, a friend comes up to me and says hey long time, and I say, oh hey yes God that's long time yeah. Same thing goes when I bite into waffles. Oh God, long time. I might be a scientist-ish kind of person and I hate the religions and all, and there's this Higgs boson particle floating around the underground world of total scientific nerdiness in Switzerland and everything, but I still believe that God created the universe somehow, really, and not just these particles colliding and creating everything in one fell swoop. Maybe it's not that instantaneous, and that makes sense and the books would agree, but I don't like the idea that there are these tiny mindless things that can just create this huge immense energy and create tiny mindless things that are like amoebas and proteins evolving into fish and then birds and apes (in any order). And to begin with, the atom is supposed to be just the neutron, proton and the electron, so what the heck are they studying the quarks and neutrinos for? So I might not like to go to church and I think some practices are just made for us intelligent humans look like total morons, but I still hate physics most of all. So screw physics over anything.


What the heck did I just type that whole paragraph for?


I'm just going to rant on and on because I am very tired of my usual days in school I'm like turning into shit day by day. Last week I had the most terrible week I've ever had in my life as a student because I was not able to meet my deadline partially, for a lab report, because I stayed up all night trying to rush doing it since I basically only began doing it that night before the deadline because I thought that particular lab report was going to be easy. Only hey, God hates me for being a lazy prick who can't even stand up every Sunday morning to go to church, so my calculations all turned out wrong and I couldn't figure out a way to sort things through and like, correct my equations to get a more decent-looking graph, because I couldn't figure it out because I'm so stupid and shit. So I wasn't able to really write the lab report. It takes forever to write the lab report, so I submitted only my calculations (whatever I could come up with) and hopefully my instructor could still find something there to grade, because I cannot afford not to have a grade for that requirement. My other lab report submitted later that week (see I had two lab reports due in a single week that is deplorable) was complete, I believe, and I made it nice to make up for the crap I did earlier that week and I hope that turns out okay.


Right now I'm also working on my thesis, except that I really haven't started doing the experiment because it took me several weeks to fix my method and make sure it's all alright to my adviser's critical mind. It's kind of hard to work with somebody so smart because I feel like total dumbass shit whenever I talk to him. And whenever I consult for my experiment he gives these pop quizzes that I always couldn't fuckin answer. And whenever I have the answer I say it in a very stupid way. Like one time, he asked for the electron configuration of zinc 2+, and I know it, but I recited like a grade-schooler the whole thing like from 1s2 and 2s2 and on and on up to the 3d10 and 4s2 when I should've just simply said d10 because that's the only part that actually matters when people ask for electron configurations. And also he asked for zinc 2+ not zinc 0 so I'm not supposed to include the 4s2 because two electrons were removed, like duh, Oliver, you're so dumb.


So this week I'm supposed to start with the experiment, because my adviser wants me to. And also he's leaving to Oxford some time in October, so I better hurry up and start my experiment so that he's still around in case anything goes wrong, and I'm certain as hell something is going to go wrong because Murphy's law is the shit and have you heard of what happened to the Batman movie in Denver or something? Man, that's like the ultimate Murphy's law bitchslap. I really have to start soon so that my adviser is still going to be around in his freezing office if my data turns out to be kind of crappy and someone can help me troubleshoot with the equations or molecular orbitals or anything. I'm always confused with those things.


I'm done. And I'm going to start blogging again soon when I feel like blogging again because I'm so bummed out. I'm sorry for my terrible grammar in this post. And I know this blog post sounds really lazy and pointless and terrible. I'm not like the really smart technical writer Oliver right now, I'm sorry, because I'm so bummed out. And nobody cares about grammar anymore these days anyway. Everyone just seems to care about the environment and climate change, like the little things they do to help are actually going to matter. They don't.


I need a hug.


I hope you still enjoy my blog after reading this.









kudos to climate scientists.
oliver.
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