03 March, 2012

Godforsaken



I ask myself questions. I wonder about little things about me and other people. It's just the kind of questions you would hate to read or hear other people asking themselves. What am I doing with my life? What am I to other people? What are my plans for the future? I hate these questions too. It's too Rick Warren-ish, but you know, I just worry too much. And I have talked about this before, that I just worry too much. I worry too much that I want to go to the kitchen where I left my coffee. But I'm too worried to go, and I don't want to interrupt my worrying of the future.


Holden Caulfield thinks I'm a phony.


I'm worried of not doing anything. This weekend is particularly peculiar because I seem to have nothing to do except to lay in my bed, listen to music, read books and make my Pokemon evolve -- you know, just these things that I don't get to do a lot anymore. It feels strange that I'm taking a break from chemistry for a while. Exams, lab reports, oral presentations, problem sets and paper submissions just came at me one after another. . . I thought it was not gonna stop. I'm very glad it did. My weekdays are terribly busy, and I usually take a break during weekends but even then I still worry about the stuff that I need to do. This weekend I have nothing to do or worry about for school so it's good but also very strange.

It feels strange because during these times of feeling no pressure to do anything, I realize the worries that I just don't worry about enough -- and those are the things that matter.


I feel very sad that I don't get to read books anymore. I have only been reading textbooks and online articles only because I have to for school. Every time I don't have anything to read for school, I realize I don't have time to start reading a novel, so I just read blogs and again random articles online. I don't even remember which book I last read. It's probably a very long time ago. I feel bummed. I feel sad that I don't even remember what happened to Simon, or where Jack got his knife. I'm worried of forgetting things about my favorite books.


This isn't really worrying when I think of it. This is just a very strange feeling. I have used the word 'strange' too many times already because I just can't find a word to describe how I feel. It's almost like I'm losing myself like I don't know myself anymore. Everything I do is just so organized and systematic, yet I'm not sure of its direction. I just realize I might not be too happy about it. Even when I take a break from the system, the things I do for leisure are just as repetitive that it never gets as fun as I hope. I go back and relive the past for refreshment but it never quite quenches the thirst.


Lately I realized that perhaps I'm in love with someone other than the person I thought all along I would love to live with in the future. Love is such a strange word. You can use it for so many purposes that its true sense becomes trifling.


I'm yet to see the results of my physical chemistry and biochemistry exams. I really need to make my scores go up in physical chemistry because of that incident in the first exam which I already talked about in a previous post. I don't know about quantum chemistry. I got decent scores in the exams and I'm not even sure how because I'm mostly just confused during class. I'm not really liking quantum mechanics. It's like learning a new difficult language.


This may be the worst feeling in the world. I don't know what I should be doing. I'm just not sure of where I am anymore. Maybe I should stand up and lift my feet. Maybe I have to climb a mountain or go on an exile in a deserted island and start planting tomatoes. Or maybe I had just forgotten I had to breathe. How do I breathe?


I am sorry for the total randomness of this blog post.


I should stand up and go. I would realize that my coffee's gone cold. I would still drink it anyway.










kudos to people with plans.
oliver.
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