27 August, 2012

I'm Not Your Friend

Friends are weird. I'm referring to the whole sense of having "friends" being weird, not that my friends are weird, and not that I'm saying they cannot be both true. I'm not trying to give this impression that I'm this totally introverted loner guy either, because I'm not that at all. I hope you don't see me that way after reading this. I like finding myself in social situations and I believe being surrounded by different kinds of people and interacting with them in a personal level allow me to develop my character and personality. However, as you might have noticed in my previous post, I recently realized that I'm the type of person who cannot keep friends. Sure, I go out with these people and they know me really well and I know them just as much. We share stories which we are all forced to believe are interesting, we tell jokes we are all forced to laugh at, and overall I think we're forced to believe that we all get each other, and that's fine. They're my companions whenever I need them. And then they can all go. I can go too. But I don't think I have ever been part of a steady circle of friends. I'm always just a floater.

Before our graduation in high school (I remember this very vividly), the class which I was part of arranged this party at some place where there was swimming pool and food and everything, and in the middle of all the happenings my then best friends and I, the three of us went away like six blocks from the place, and we just sat on the empty road quiet for a long time realizing that we're all about to go our separate ways and have separate lives once we enter college. I played the songs on my phone to break the silence and we started to sing along and it's all happy. We know those songs really well because there are certain situations and people we associated with it, so it's all fun. And then this particular song played. My friend sitting to my right just started crying. And then my friend sitting to my left started crying as well. You bet a million I also started crying right then and there. We were all just crying quietly on our own for a while and nobody talked. Until of course we talked about the future and our plans in college, and we promised that nothing would change about the three of us, and also with our other friends who weren't with us then. Our friendship would always forever remain.

Of course it didn't. When we graduated, in the beginning we would always find time to meet although we're far away from each other. We would go around the campus and do things together, until of course we all got busy, and we all made new friends, and the meetings happened less frequently, and until it didn't matter to us anymore. It was just a matter of time.

Personally, I still care about them. I want to be friends with them again. I know we're still friends, but things have changed. Of course, I know, things change and I accept it -- especially when the things I care a lot about that disappear are not the things that keep me breathing. The personal connections I thought were essential to me would disappear, and I am just left surprised by how my life could still go on. But it happens, and I can just let it. The rare encounters with old friends have become special, but the awkwardness of the how-are-you's overcome my feelings. All of a sudden it's difficult for me to ask about their personal lives already. It's almost like they are people I don't know at all.

And now I see it happening again to me in college. Every term, who my friends are changes. And my friends the previous term aren't so much my friends the next term. I don't know if it's something about me that's making this happen or it's just the natural way of things, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me. I think I care about people and friendships, and I'm aware that some people can see me as a friend, but I still lack this quality to keep friends. It's very much like when I meet new people in different places. I have a good time with them and for some moments I know I've made a new friend, but the bond disappears very quickly. It must have something to do with how I define friendship and how I base it. When do I consider someone a friend? How do I see someone as a friend? I don't know. I don't keep friends; I just keep acquainted. It's almost like I don't care so much about friends after all. 

It's funny how much I've used the word friend in this post and in the end I came to the conclusion that I might have never had any friends at all.



Writing Junkie said...

My opinion is that it's natural. I'm going away to college this fall and it's already happening with a few old friends of mine. I'm not a loner either, so it's not just some random occurrence. Friends come and go. People constantly change and the reason you even became friends may not be a part of who they are any longer.

The girl of the sun said...

This post is the saddest thing to end the day, really. All the emotions just splashed in me and found their way out. How sentimental it could be, really.

All that I want to say to you is that you don't have to worry. I've had much and much and much experience on that part and can say that friends are like people with whom you live your life. If you don't feel this bond - it's not your true friend. It doesn't mean that you are wrong. It means that this person is not right for you, I think. I'm sure it'll come and you will most certainly sense it from the start.

The girl of the sun said...

Two reallies in a row.. I'm losing qualification!

Oliver said...

I don't mean to depress you, Sunny! Ha, sorry. But I think it's okay with you, anyway. Well I think the reason you're saddened by this post is probably because you're in high school, may be nearing graduation, and you probably think that the friends you have right now might not be your friends anymore once you enter college. Don't worry, however, because as I said this is something about me. How I feel about my friends in the past is totally upon me, and it might not be the same with you. I have this quality in me, I suppose, that keeps me from forming long-lasting relationships with people and I've learned that already. I guess it's something about my personality being kind of anti-people sometimes, and I dislike a lot of things, and also I accept things very easily especially the notion of change: and that people come and go. You might be different from me, and I know you're a nice and jolly girl, so I think you and your friends have a fat chance to stick together for a while. I wish you all the best and happiness.

See, I've felt that I had true friends before. My friends in high school weren't just folks I randomly picked out from the crowd and decided to spend time with. We had a real connection, and we felt it, and that's why the story I talked about in this post happened: about how we were all saddened by the idea of our separation. Like I said, it's just something that I let happen about me. I accept that people come and go, and I've learned that the relationships I build with people I don't let last long enough. I guess I just don't care enough.

That's right. Friends come and go, but the thing is you can always make new friends and enjoy your life at the moment, and then they can go and you can go and make new friends again! It's like a natural cycle. Haha. But it's not all natural, some people have the ability to form long-lasting relationships with people. I guess I just don't have that. Good luck with your high school, WJ. =]

Jayemel said...

Oliver, Oliver, Oliver, I read this post on my iPhone and was so inspired to respond, I had to get back out of bed and boot up my computer. Damn you.

I think you are right that your difficulty is something about you, but I think you are holding some idea that it is because there is something wrong with you. There isn't. Consider the following:

Any relationship exists in a specific context. What the people share is not only mutual personality traits and/or interests, but a mutual experience of life. When that experience of life is no longer shared, it is natural for the people to grow apart, especially if they aren't as similar as they once thought they were.

Something I am currently learning about is that the smarter you are, the harder it is to make long-lasting friendships. Why? Because smarter people (in whatever way they are smart) experience life differently, more deeply. That depth of experience is very rarely something that can be shared and creates a feeling of isolation in the smart person. That isolation in turn makes the smart person think all friendships have to be deep all-sharing friendships. They don't.

Be friends with people in the contexts/experiences you can share with them and appreciate them/those experiences for all they are. Don't look for everyone to be able to touch your innermost soul. Look at it this way, if your soul was understandable by so many people, that would mean it was generic and simple. Who would want to be that?

Oliver said...

This is a really nice surprise to see you comment on my blog. That's very nice of you. And thank you for getting up from bed just to respond to this post. You really are very nice!

"What the people share is not only mutual personality traits and/or interests, but a mutual experience of life. When that experience of life is no longer shared, it is natural for the people to grow apart, especially if they aren't as similar as they once thought they were." I really like what you said. You are most definitely right. I agree, people share a bond not just because of mutual interests but also because of a currently shared experience of life. And I think it is most true, in that friends are separated when that shared experience disappears and in the end we all realize that we are only similar because of there's this part of life we shared and there's nothing more.

I think I do see life a little differently compared to others and sometimes I feel like I do overthink so many things that shouldn't even be my worries, but I've never felt like my friends should be of the same nature. I become friends with people who are just there with me, and do stuff with me, and those who are relatively to the slightest bit more interesting than many. I think you are right that there's nothing wrong with just considering them the way they are, as my friends, and that I shouldn't bother to look for anything more profound in every person. There's nothing wrong with me, and I have people I can consider as friends at the moment, so why not just appreciate everything that I currently have in my life? That's much better, and I think I do appreciate them now. I feel like I just had to write down what is on my head and what I think about friendships, so that's what I did in this post. But in the end, as I see things, there's nothing wrong with building relationships with people with the preconceived notion that they aren't going to last, because I feel like relationships are necessary and nobody would really know exactly how long anyone's going to keep what they have formed.

Thank you so much for your response, Mr. JML. =]

Reading my previous comment, I just realized that I meant "good luck in college!" not high school. Wow, you're in college already! My blog is getting old. Haha. I'm getting old too!!! =D

Anjali Krishna said...

A lovely post. I can completely relate to what you are going through. My situation is somewhat the same. Please keep writing! You have a new friend!

Check my blog www.ak-ou-stik.blogspot.com

really? :) said...

by mine, be my friend :D

Misha Sandham-Bains said...

Hello! I’ve nominated you for the Leibster & Versatile Blogger Awards! If you want to take part all the info is here ~ http://realityleaveslotstoimagination.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/leibster-versatile-blogger-awards.html


Kiane said...

Oh my God we are in the same situation fella. I think it's the trait in us that make us somewhat a floater. Do you know your type of personality? I'm a Sanguin may be that's the reason why.

Oliver said...

Thanks, Anjali and Misha! =]

I don't know if my personality is sanguine exactly, but I did take the Jung personality test once and it said that I'm an INTP. The explanation and description of that personality type are right on. I believe that personality test is accurate. You can take it online. Just Google Jung personality test or Myers-Briggs personality types.

Candice said...

This, I guess, is the post that struck me the most. I miss you. Very much. Just when I thought I was the only one feeling these things. I miss spending a lot of time with you. I hope we could do that again... soon.
*Gaaahd. I want to put a lot of things in this comment box. But, it's your blog. My feelings might ruin its awesome-ness.

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