03 March, 2012


I ask myself questions. I wonder about little things about me and other people. It's just the kind of questions you would hate to read or hear other people asking themselves. What am I doing with my life? What am I to other people? What are my plans for the future? I hate these questions too. It's too Rick Warren-ish, but you know, I just worry too much. And I have talked about this before, that I just worry too much. I worry too much that I want to go to the kitchen where I left my coffee. But I'm too worried to go, and I don't want to interrupt my worrying of the future.

Holden Caulfield thinks I'm a phony.

I'm worried of not doing anything. This weekend is particularly peculiar because I seem to have nothing to do except to lay in my bed, listen to music, read books and make my Pokemon evolve -- you know, just these things that I don't get to do a lot anymore. It feels strange that I'm taking a break from chemistry for a while. Exams, lab reports, oral presentations, problem sets and paper submissions just came at me one after another. . . I thought it was not gonna stop. I'm very glad it did. My weekdays are terribly busy, and I usually take a break during weekends but even then I still worry about the stuff that I need to do. This weekend I have nothing to do or worry about for school so it's good but also very strange.

It feels strange because during these times of feeling no pressure to do anything, I realize the worries that I just don't worry about enough -- and those are the things that matter.

I feel very sad that I don't get to read books anymore. I have only been reading textbooks and online articles only because I have to for school. Every time I don't have anything to read for school, I realize I don't have time to start reading a novel, so I just read blogs and again random articles online. I don't even remember which book I last read. It's probably a very long time ago. I feel bummed. I feel sad that I don't even remember what happened to Simon, or where Jack got his knife. I'm worried of forgetting things about my favorite books.

This isn't really worrying when I think of it. This is just a very strange feeling. I have used the word 'strange' too many times already because I just can't find a word to describe how I feel. It's almost like I'm losing myself like I don't know myself anymore. Everything I do is just so organized and systematic, yet I'm not sure of its direction. I just realize I might not be too happy about it. Even when I take a break from the system, the things I do for leisure are just as repetitive that it never gets as fun as I hope. I go back and relive the past for refreshment but it never quite quenches the thirst.

Lately I realized that perhaps I'm in love with someone other than the person I thought all along I would love to live with in the future. Love is such a strange word. You can use it for so many purposes that its true sense becomes trifling.

I'm yet to see the results of my physical chemistry and biochemistry exams. I really need to make my scores go up in physical chemistry because of that incident in the first exam which I already talked about in a previous post. I don't know about quantum chemistry. I got decent scores in the exams and I'm not even sure how because I'm mostly just confused during class. I'm not really liking quantum mechanics. It's like learning a new difficult language.

This may be the worst feeling in the world. I don't know what I should be doing. I'm just not sure of where I am anymore. Maybe I should stand up and lift my feet. Maybe I have to climb a mountain or go on an exile in a deserted island and start planting tomatoes. Or maybe I had just forgotten I had to breathe. How do I breathe?

I am sorry for the total randomness of this blog post.

I should stand up and go. I would realize that my coffee's gone cold. I would still drink it anyway.

kudos to people with plans.


The girl of the sun said...

Sometimes it happens when you don't really know what to do with your lessons, thoughts and life, but hey, you can totally stand this! I think, the best method to help yourself to get this feeling out is to bring something new to your life and you'll understand that you miss the old stuff in a moment!

By the way, don't worry much about not-reading thing. I have the same now, i'm just too much busy with my school lessons and have to read a lot of literature during the week. I find it very difficult to concentrate on something you want to read in your leisure time except school books. That's why I usually watch some sitcoms or soap operas in my free time, because books eat all my brains, when they work..

Oliver said...

Haha, thank you so much, Sunny. =] What I find sad is the realization that even the old stuff I miss are getting too bland. I mean, yeah, this is what I've been thinking that I should definitely bring something new to my life. Like I said, my life has just become too organized and systematic. Repetitive to an extent. It just goes on and on and I realize that I don't like the direction it's heading.

And I still have time to watch Survivor so it's great even though I don't get to read a lot of books anymore. I haven't watched my favorite sitcoms in a long time though. I should totally make some time, but I'm fine with only watching Survivor. Survivor is great. =]

The girl of the sun said...

I haven't watched Survivor yet, maybe I will :) I already have a long list of sitcoms I must watch some time. Good luck with searching for the new thing to live for.

L. said...

From what I've gathered, you seem like a trooper. So I'm sure you will get through this. I know how you feel, in a round about sort of way. I went from having free weekends and weekdays of doing what I wanted. I now have a job and my studies to juggle, along with maintaining friendships and hobbies. Sometimes it gets too much, but I know I'll probably reap the benefits in the end. So hang in there!

Things have strange ways of unravelling themselves. So good luck and much support from

Oliver said...

You should! This current season is great! I'm going to watch the latest episode after I type this since I'm finally done with my homework. =]

Thank you so much! Yeah, I'm a trooper, thanks! =D

Anonymous said...

Like you, my life unfortunately tends to revolve around chemistry..( I am a pre-pharmacy major)..it is a sometimes boring world of significant figures and a lot of very particular professors..I was, or I guess I am in the same position, this weekend was my weekend to relax before exams, and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself..reading a book or watching a movie seemed strange, because I have forgotten how to let myself relax..I guess that is the price I pay to be a science student.

It seems strange to not be worrying about exams and grades..but the best thing I did for myself was to pick up a book and read it, something I love to do..it did wonders for my brain..it reminded me of how much more is out there besides worrying about school and my future...so just do it..pick up a book and let yourself forget about everything else out there...thats my two-sense :)

Oliver said...

I don't know who you are but you sound awesome. Chemistry is a tough course, so I hope we all get through this alright. I am still kind of worried about my lab course this semester, and I have a couple of biochem exams coming so I haven't yet opened a book and started reading a novel. I will, pretty soon, once this is almost over. I look forward to experiencing it again. I would love it. Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment. It is very much appreciated. =]

Good luck with your pharmacy courses, too.

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