19 September, 2011


I'm beginning to feel like my life is pretty effed up at this point. It's an awful realization, which does not surprise me anymore since I have already convinced myself somehow that I'm a terrible person (to the slightest degree). And also I think you won't be surprised if I tell you that what's making me feel like crap is my number one frien-emy. The guy who got Selena Gomez pregnant? Nope. The university.

School is a bully. I can't even feel good anymore because whatever I do, I think of what I gotta do for school. Yeah I'm watching Survivor, but I'm thinking: my break is over. I have classes tomorrow. I have to complete my physics lab sheets. I will have to get spent going from one building to another. Thinking of it alone just exhausts me! Actually doing it is so boring it drains every ounce of life out of me.

Yep, I think I've just lost my school spirit. I just think I don't want it anymore. And that's why I'm beginning to think that the rest of my life is going to be spent in a cesspool of zombies being counterproductive and unhealthy to this already crapped up society. I know I might just be going through this phase like all students do. Just tell me that even just for once in your life you've felt like quitting school. Tell me I'm still normal. Tell me I'm not being a good-for-nothing teenager.

Except that I just quit my job.

I know! Ich weiß, ich weiß. You're going like, "Whuuut!? I'm taking college courses and I just quit my job at Subway, whuutt!!!??" But you know, that job was just awful. All it did was fill up my schedule for the whole day and I really didn't feel like I'm earning something. (Maybe because I would spend it all up in just one week.) No really, it was just not worth it. And I didn't really work at Subway.

What is college for anyway? The system of education in our society has been broken. It's not about learning anymore. It's about enduring this amount of workload for the sake of the amount you paid for. It's not really about the process of acquiring new knowledge and contributing it to the society. It's about getting yourself credentials on paper so that you can earn money for yourself later. The society just dictates that you should have a degree, whatever degree 'cause it doesn't really matter whether or not that's what you're interested in, since it is highly likely that you're going to end up in a field of work completely different from your field of study anyway. This is our society. This society, in which skipping classes, smoking in the corridor, and bullying your anti-social overweight classmate are considered cool, just feeds us knowledge saying that they're important to know, even though they will eventually prove to be rather useless.

I'm still hoping that I can get my school spirit back. I know I love school. I know that there's this tiny Oliver inside of me that still believes in education. I like to learn. I like to know what other people know. I would like to discover what other people don't know. It's just that this Oliver right now is a bit. . . disheartened.

I don't know what I gotta do. I guess I just need some peanut butter, pizza, and ice cream, and. . . oh well.

Dear Oliver, you've been chilling for a long enough time. It's time to come back out. We have classes tomorrow.

kudos to those people who yearn to learn.


Alexa said...

"Push aside your darker thoughts today. They’re only trying to get you to fail."

You should listen to yourself more often, I think. :)

Absolutely everyone goes through this phase at some point in their life. It's a matter of where you take it from here. The way I see it, you have three options:

1. Drop out and regret it forever and ever (I hope).
2. Push on doggedly, depressedly, and pessimistically through the rest of college with the idea that our society is now and always will be as you say.
3. Adopt a new attitude, decide to love school, and move on.

Your mind is your greatest weapon, and you can use it on yourself for good or bad. Obviously I hope you decide to decide to like school, even if it seems rigged and pointless at times. Just... y'know, roll with it.

Raz Darnell said...

You sound like me :)


Nas said...

Hey dude!
I think many people go thru that phase of 'Should I watch Dr Who or study?' and they end up in front of the screen watching countless episodes of an awesome show.

I think, from experience, finding that balance is importance. The balance between work and play. You can't expect yourself to spend all the day in the library studying, because your brain would get tired and you really wouldn't get anything done. Plan your day. Think of it like this. You go to school, and don't have much choice about it. Make the most of it. There's a lot more to do than just study. Enjoy some extra-curricular activities. Join a few clubs. Make stink bombs?

I agree with you, school is no longer about knowledge. It's about getting the grades to get into uni, or get that particular job!

All the best dude.

It'sJodie-Ann,Bro. said...

I totally agree with Nas xD

Oliver said...

LOL. Yeah, I think I should listen to myself more often. I believe it's just this dark cloud inside my head that is corrupting my right way of thinking, caused by some dark force wanting me to fail. But I shall overcome that dark force! KNOWLEDGE SHALL PREVAIL!!! XD
Thanks for all those three sound advice. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. You're right. I'm going to love school. I just gotta roll with it. =]

OMG Raz that is such a nice, nice post. I read it and I loved it. I got over high school way before high school was over too. So I can relate. High school was just. . . fun yet, tiring.
Yeah I kinda sound like you there. Not a bad thing! =]

I heard that Dr. Who is such a nice show, but I think it's only showing in the UK. Lol. Or maybe I just haven't been updating with the television so I really don't know whether or not it's on. I like Survivor though. I'll be watching countless episodes of that awesome show. =P
Yup, yup. That's what I'm having trouble with. Finding the right balance between work and play is harder than scaling the Grand Canyon. You're right. I should plan my day. I should have a better attitude next time. I gotta make the most out of it. I've joined one organization, but it's [also] an academic kinda club, so it's not that much fun. Although I kinda enjoy hanging out in the club's attic, I just. . . get tired of it quickly. =\
I might as well just start making bombs!
I'm glad to know somebody agrees with my point! =] It's not like I'm being a total pessimist about things, it's just the way things are now.
Thanks for the comment, Nas. =]

Yup, Nas brought up such good points. AND JODIE, I didn't really work at Subway!!! I just used it in my argument to show how ridiculous it would be for me to give up a petty job while I'm taking college courses. Hahahaha! Five dollar foot longs the shit!!! XD

Miss Bobo said...

I understand what you mean by the whole college thing and I hope little Oliver is brave and hangs on. I am in college and things may be easy to ditch or whatnot but sometimes there are challenges in the classroom worthwhile to catch onto. Things always get better. Hope you feel better out of your funk

Writing Junkie said...

You sound like me at this exact moment. Except i'm in high school.

I think that the issue is that you have to find your "drive" again. I'll be honest, I took a day off 1) Because i'm physically sick, 2) Because I'm mentally tired of the people i'm around and the stuff I constantly have to do.

So maybe you need a break, a break where you do nothing but watch TV, eat Peanut butter sandwiches, and play computer games.
Everyone gets frustrated, and everybody needs a break every so often so that they can re-evaluate their goals, and remember who they are inside.

I bet that you'll be fine :)

but I agree with what you said about college, that's why i'm applying to a bunch of artsy, hippy schools, and schools with a large artsy hippy population. :)

ishashime said...

this is seriously how i'm feeling right now. instead of school being somewhere i can learn and have a bit of fun doing so, it is now somewhere i dread to be. i'm drowning in schoolwork (quite literally, i might add since my room is now filled with books and papers) and i constantly worry about all the deadlines i have to meet and all the stuff i have to do. agh!

ah well. good luck to both of us. i'm sure we'll pull through. :)

Oliver said...

@Miss Bobo
Thanks! Little Oliver is gonna hang on! I only feel kinda tired of going to the class when I don't feel like I'm learning something anyway. There are other classes that just keep motivating you, that keep teaching you something new. Learning new things is the best thing about school, but unfortunately in some of my classes I don't get that. I do my best to pay attention and learn things, but. . . I feel like I have to just sit in the lecture for as long as it lasts, and then I will have to self-study with my textbook just to be able to answer the problem sets and the exam. I mean, isn't that just totally f'ed up? Some lecturers just actually fail to lecture.
I will feel better. =]

Oh how? Poor us. Lol. XD
I need a break, but yeah, I also feel like I'm getting enough breaks. I don't really understand what's going on, but thanks for the advice. I should re-evaluate my goals and have a better attitude about it. And I ate two PB&Js yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that! Aha! Thanks, WJ. =]

I don't like it when my room becomes something like that. It's like hopeless. Haha. Good luck with all the stuff you gotta do, Isha! We can pull through, definitely. =]

aakriti said...

That thought about quitting school hasn't occurred just once but many times :P
but all i think at that time is that i need to remember that their are so many stupid kids doing this with me i cant really complain cause just like everyone is going through it i also do... don't really have a choice in this society.
yes i hate it and so do millions of others but here comes in the power tolerance which you have to have. it well help you later on in life just think about that and you'll feel better hopefully.

Oliver said...

Thank you so much, Aakriti. =] =]

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