18 June, 2011

Missing Soul

I am lost. I'm not really sure what is happening to me. I got sick for a while. My head hurts. My mind can't focus. I broke my computer. I ran out of peanut butter. There were lots of things that went on during the time I wasn't online, and right now, well, I'm still bothered by everything there is to do. I am lost, and I'm confused. It's not a surprise that this state of mind is brought on by school, among other things.

Sure I just finished another term. My final grade in Physics II is a huge improvement from Physics I so I'm pretty happy. My final grade in Dance is more awesome though. Yeah, I took a dance course as an elective last term; what's so funny? I'm quite surprised to see I did better in it. Maybe the repercussions of my innate hate for physics surpasses the degree of adversity any other obstacle in the world may effect, including my clumsiness and inability to take dance moves seriously. Wow that previous sentence is loaded.

I finished another term, and I had a one-week break, and then ta-da! I'm back to school again! The thought of going back to school after having only a week worth of vacation was made even worse by my computer crashing after having enough amounts of bugs and malware that apparently got to my computer via an update Windows required me to download so that I would pay for their tech support to help me "fix the problem" once I had installed it. Well-played. So I spent my one-week break without a computer. That blows. Thank God there were zombies in an iPod for me to kill.

Let's continue pretending for a few more moments that you actually care about what's going on in my life and what's in store for me this next term in college. Well, I have a Biochemistry course. I also have a Physical Chemistry course, and unfortunately if a student wants to take a Physical Chemistry course he will also have to take a course on Differentials along with it. I have taken Algebra and two Calculus courses in the past two years and I thought I would never see a synonym of math on the labels on my notebook ever again. So much for crushing my dreams.

Oh, and just to make my schedule look cool, I also enrolled in a German course. It's extremely hot in the Foreign Languages building so I definitely have to suffer a little for an attempt to be cool. That's the way life is.

Just who made life this way?

My internal conflict is mainly caused by my inability to focus. There are lots of things I have to do, and there are lots of things I want to do. It's a real unfortunate situation because the things I want to do are not things I have to do, and by fulfilling those wants, I am putting off those 'haves' and consume the time I would allot to it. It may be the usual student blues you would see in a teenager's blog. I'm a usual teenager, after all. But my struggle actually comes from a deeper stupid root. It is just that I still don't know what I want to become. I don't know how I want my future to be. I have always wanted to become a writer or something like it, but fate led me to a laboratory. Entering college at an early age put me in a really tough situation of deciding for my future. Holding that application form three years ago, I wasn't really sure what I would do with it. How could I have known then what I really want for my future? Because even up to now I am not sure! Every now and then I get these insane feelings of realizing that I really don't like what I am doing, but there's no turning back now. I'm just coasting along, going with the flow, sleeping in bed, living my life, being a science student, to eventually get my degree.   

Once I receive my degree, I don't know what's next. Get hired? Get another degree? Get hitched? Go to medical school and be in debt for the rest of my life? I know I should be making a plan, but I don't know where to start. I suck.

And like I said. . .

I'm lost.

kudos to people who plan for the future.


Happy Elf Mom said...

Yeah it sounds like usual teenage stuff. If it helps any, the things you most want to do, you should do for a career if you possibly can. If you cannot, try to get a career that makes doing the thing you most love possible. Hm. Wasn't trying to sound cryptic, just don't know what your ultimate dream is. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're lost Ollie. You're just at one of your first truly adult decision making points. From what you have written here, you are far more grounded than I was at your age. You see your options on the map but not what route to take. If I can help you in just one way right now and take one of those rocks out weighing down your backpack... "do I get hitched" Please trust me dude...take that off your options for now. Easy for me to say as I don't know your cultural background and what pressures there might be on marriage etc there. But if you can take that rock out of the backpack for now...please do. The pack will just be a little lighter, that's all.

Diego said...

You had me at "I ran out of peanut butter."

I hear you man, I'm well into my 20s and I still wrestling with the question of direction. The above advice is sound, if you can't do what you love professionally, move toward the most painless career possible that will allow you the time and money to do what you love. In the end, having that freedom is all that matters.

Nas said...

Hey Oliver. :).

Direction is something that many people never really find. But if you are lost as you say, make sure you get lost at a junction, that way when you finally decide which line to pursue and what to do with your life, at least you'll have the qualifications / knowledge to choose from a range of options.

I learnt German too at High-school for like 5 years. Don't remember much of it tbh. 8-)

Anyway, have a lovely weekend dude.
Take care.

InnocentlyGreen said...

I never really went through this phase. My only problem was choosing between psychology or psychiatry, but that wasn't so tough.

Maybe it can help if you stop thinking about it and just try to notice what is it that you like most of all. There's always something that you enjoy more than the rest of things.

Jodie-Ann said...

Ughh, I'm gonna be in dept fro a while too. D; Psychology and planning to get my Ph.D
Sucks about your computer. I would have ripped my hair out.
And oooh German! And you can dance! :D Cool. So can I. I love dance =D
And LOL I wouldn't survive being a science student.

Miss Bobo said...

I get what you are saying: my computer has gotten malware and viruses I had to go to the school's laptop shop and have the hard drive replaced so many times. But for me , I don't stay with those results. NAHHH. I head to the library and use their laptops. Maybe you could have used the laptops for that. Or you could have written a document saying "Dear Hacker" where you completely tell them you know whats up and its better they just leave it since you have ways of haunting their dreams or something. Maybe they would have responded back xD but don't worry you will find your way back

aakriti said...

welcome to the gang :)
even i have no clue what to do and where to start!
its all so confusing :S
you dance thats awesomeee! even i do:P
no computer during your break Ouch!.
all you can do is go along with the flow, well actually that's what i am doing... cause i suck at making plans :(

cricketfreak said...

Woah...ur seventeen and in college? Pretty young :d
You have a great blog, I was checking ur archives.
Hope you'll check out my blog-bhadrasblog-cricketfreak.blogspot.com

Eeshie said...

Your blog is So. Freaking. Cool. I think I'm falling in love. Its just so...insightful, I guess. With most of the crap-junkie blogs out there (half of which are mothers posting pictures of their slobbering toddlers all over the Internet), this was a nice change.

So yeah. I like you. Bye.


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