18 June, 2011

Missing Soul

I am lost. I'm not really sure what is happening to me. I got sick for a while. My head hurts. My mind can't focus. I broke my computer. I ran out of peanut butter. There were lots of things that went on during the time I wasn't online, and right now, well, I'm still bothered by everything there is to do. I am lost, and I'm confused. It's not a surprise that this state of mind is brought on by school, among other things.

Sure I just finished another term. My final grade in Physics II is a huge improvement from Physics I so I'm pretty happy. My final grade in Dance is more awesome though. Yeah, I took a dance course as an elective last term; what's so funny? I'm quite surprised to see I did better in it. Maybe the repercussions of my innate hate for physics surpasses the degree of adversity any other obstacle in the world may effect, including my clumsiness and inability to take dance moves seriously. Wow that previous sentence is loaded.

I finished another term, and I had a one-week break, and then ta-da! I'm back to school again! The thought of going back to school after having only a week worth of vacation was made even worse by my computer crashing after having enough amounts of bugs and malware that apparently got to my computer via an update Windows required me to download so that I would pay for their tech support to help me "fix the problem" once I had installed it. Well-played. So I spent my one-week break without a computer. That blows. Thank God there were zombies in an iPod for me to kill.

Let's continue pretending for a few more moments that you actually care about what's going on in my life and what's in store for me this next term in college. Well, I have a Biochemistry course. I also have a Physical Chemistry course, and unfortunately if a student wants to take a Physical Chemistry course he will also have to take a course on Differentials along with it. I have taken Algebra and two Calculus courses in the past two years and I thought I would never see a synonym of math on the labels on my notebook ever again. So much for crushing my dreams.

Oh, and just to make my schedule look cool, I also enrolled in a German course. It's extremely hot in the Foreign Languages building so I definitely have to suffer a little for an attempt to be cool. That's the way life is.

Just who made life this way?

My internal conflict is mainly caused by my inability to focus. There are lots of things I have to do, and there are lots of things I want to do. It's a real unfortunate situation because the things I want to do are not things I have to do, and by fulfilling those wants, I am putting off those 'haves' and consume the time I would allot to it. It may be the usual student blues you would see in a teenager's blog. I'm a usual teenager, after all. But my struggle actually comes from a deeper stupid root. It is just that I still don't know what I want to become. I don't know how I want my future to be. I have always wanted to become a writer or something like it, but fate led me to a laboratory. Entering college at an early age put me in a really tough situation of deciding for my future. Holding that application form three years ago, I wasn't really sure what I would do with it. How could I have known then what I really want for my future? Because even up to now I am not sure! Every now and then I get these insane feelings of realizing that I really don't like what I am doing, but there's no turning back now. I'm just coasting along, going with the flow, sleeping in bed, living my life, being a science student, to eventually get my degree.   

Once I receive my degree, I don't know what's next. Get hired? Get another degree? Get hitched? Go to medical school and be in debt for the rest of my life? I know I should be making a plan, but I don't know where to start. I suck.

And like I said. . .

I'm lost.

kudos to people who plan for the future.
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