08 November, 2010

Oliver the Bomber

I am the bomber man.

Easy there, buddy. Don’t call the police. I’m not one of those dudes who thought it was cool to bomb towers on a day marked 911. I’m not part of a secret agency conspiracy thingy. I’m a science student who hasn’t learned yet how to make nuclear bombs. Still, I can be a bomber, but Evelyn Salt is not after me. 

I wish she was. 

Here’s the thing: You know what really irritates me? Wait, a lot of things get in my nerves actually: all-tangled messed up earphones, people who smoke in front of my face, Bieber songs, crappy internet connection, lost handkerchiefs, hypocrisy, arrogance, empty peanut butter jars, grumpy waitresses and cashiers, remembering the fact that my mom made me believe for twelve years that Santa was real… on top of the mountain of my inner fury, dancing with all the demons inside my head is… 

A security guard. I find security guards annoying, and I know saying that makes me seem rather delinquent.

Security guards don’t do anything but sit, stand up, try to look intimidating, make themselves look like some kind of authority by speaking to walkie-talkies, and be annoying.

My hate for security guards started when I was in high school. I already wrote about my high school’s impressive proximity to a huge mall, right? I also mentioned that I used to carry a huge textbooks-filled backpack, right? Did I mention that we wore uniforms in high school? I used to try to go inside that mall every night after school because it’s easier to go to the terminal if I was to go through the mall compared to if I was to go around it. Before I could get inside that mall, however, I always needed to take my heavy backpack off my shoulders and place it on the mini-desk so I could open it and let the security guard check what’s inside. I’m not complaining about how big an inconvenience it is to small students who are nearly disabled by the enormous size of their bags. Being the good citizen that I like to believe I am, I learned to understand protocols.

What irritates me though is how the security guards of every mall I go to treat the uniformed students and do the job of checking their bags. Back then, whenever I’m finally able to present my bag, what the guard would do was just stick his little guard stick into my bag… and then nothing more. He wouldn’t even check what’s inside. He always let me through after poking, the inside of my bag, for barely a quarter of a second, and it always took me fifteen seconds or so to get my bag down and open it and present it. Ha.

How unbelievably awesome is that?

What if I was a bomber? What if I had an actual bomb kept at the very bottom of my bag under all of my books and notebooks? He did have a detector gadget thing but he was using the frikin stick! And all he did was poke the inside of my bag? Like, really?

In our campus, there’s one, two, up to four security guards stationed in the entrances of each building. They’ve become annoying because of their incessant habit of asking for every student’s ID before they could let them in. I understand that they do that to make sure that no bad person gets inside. It’s annoying when you’re in a hurry and your ID is in your wallet kept inside your bag, or it’s in your student binder, or it’s somewhere you don’t remember where. I now hang my ID around my neck to avoid that kind of hassle, and still I have security issues whenever I go inside every building. Why? Because they care more about your ID than the contents of your bag. Like it’s their only security measure, and the buildings ain’t got bomb detectors of some sort. 

What’s wrong with these security guards? Do they get paid for what they’re doing? There also have been reported incidents of bad people who were able to get inside restaurants and coffee shops and steal money from every person in there, in which the security guards were just standing in a corner awe-struck by the realness of the situation.

So if I actually carried a bomb in my bag to school…


Evelyn Salt is gonna want me.

kudos to crime busters.


Christopher said...

i used to buy pot from a security guard, they aren't all bad, the one's that think they're cops are pretty pathetic though

Jodie-Ann said...

Haha! I love this post! :D I haven't had much experience with security guards seeing as my school doesn't have any, and I don't go anywhere where there are... so... yeah... I lead a security guard-less life. :)I like janitors though. There's this janitor at my school who used to look like Jesus. But then he cut his beard and now he just looks overly hairy.

Lemmiwinks said...

Good post! Looking forward to reading you next one

RicAdeMus said...

I would sit still, waiting for Salt to come get me! I mostly get annoyed with the guards who act as if they've never seen me before--even though I've passed through their check-point every day for 18 months! I've started wearing my ID on a chain around my neck, even though I don't want to. It will probably get me strangled someday.

About an old song that still sounds fresh, I couldn't come up with one. But I really like the Beatles, so I'll share my favorite Beatles' song--In My Life. I can't understand how such young men were able to write it.

David Davidson said...

There's a comic by XKCD (not sure if you read it) addressing a similar problem about not being able to take water bottles onto a plane because they posed a threat of being "a bomb".

You do realize that with a little manipulation it is possible to transform your labtop into a bomb that is just as deadly and no one would be able to know?

Not that I'm telling you to make a laptop bomb of course....

Copyboy said...

Interesting food for thought.

Clarence said...

Ollie :D

LOL. Finally. I think.

Hmm...kinda like those security in mall parking lots. They open the back of your car or place a mirror thingo underneath it and they let you pass. :))

rincollyer said...

Hi, you posted in my dream journal a while ago. So I tried visiting your blog and lookie here, I was interested. Well, apart from the letters which are tiny but I respect your decision of making it that way, I really liked your posts. Soooo, I'm going to follow :) See you around.

Oliver said...

LOL, yeah. I knew those guards had something hidden under their desks!

Really!? No security guards in your school? You should all be wary, then! Haha, janitors are cool. They all seem to be nice people... I guess.

Hell yeah! Salt is so awesome. And you're right there. Those guards should be able to recognize people's faces to stop checking for their IDs everyday for the rest of their lives. It's annoying, and a waste of ten seconds.

I love that song! I actually had the Beatles in mind when I asked you that question. I was also thinking Coldplay, but I thought that their songs aren't really that old. The Beatles rock. =]

You made me Google two things I didn't know about today: WKCD (I don't really read comics, but the stuff I read there earlier are quite funny), and the laptop bomb. I need to learn how to make one... not that I'm actually planning on making one.

Thanks for stopping by! I know you're just doing some captcha hunting anyway! LOL.

Finally, yes. Haha. Those guards in the mall parking lots don't really do enough of their job. I know that you're clever enough to be hiding a bomb in your shoulder bag under all your packs of meth. =P

Thanks for joining the neighborhood. You're very much welcome! I hope you'll enjoy reading all of my posts here. Stay tuned. =]

Clarence said...

damn straight. LOL

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