21 September, 2010

Smothering

I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't see it right now.


I'm tired of this. I'm so over this, over them. I don't want to see them anymore, I can't live with them anymore. I need to go away, go find a way to get away and survive. I need to be brave and face this: I can make this happen.


I don't need them.


I don't need them to realize some more how horrible a person I really am. I've got enough of that kind of realization growing up.


I don't need them to tell me I'm always doing the wrong thing: they realize I'm a bad person every time I make a mistake but they never realize I'm a good person whenever I do something right.


They have successfully and regrettably made me the person I currently am and I don't need them to fix me up some more since I've grown enough and I've had enough.


Enough. 


I know you might see this as something most adults hate about teenagers: that teens like going against what is laid down in front of them. I don't want to go that way. I want to go my way. I'm telling you that I really never liked to be like this. If I had a choice, it wouldn't be like this.


I wish I had a choice. I wouldn't have chosen things to be like this.


I'm an individual.


I'm not just somebody.


And I make mistakes and is it that hard to understand?


And I talk back. They can't expect me to just sit down and listen to them without defending myself.


The saddest part is, I don't even do something terrible. I make small mistakes and I get awfully reprimanded. Small mistakes but because it is I who did it, then it is a huge mistake. Because I'm wrong. I will always be wrong. And they are right. They can't ever fix me.


Most of the time, though, much more sadly, I get blamed for stuff I don't even do. Things that just happen and I have no control over. I get the blame... most of the time, and I get punished, verbally punished, and suffer from severe emotional stress.


Ah, feels like home. Thanks for the sense and feel of home, really.


And they expect me not to talk back and defend myself? Make an explanation? If only to make them understand?


Adults.


What are their ears for? What are their experienced minds for?


If they close them before I even get to say something, explain myself, and tell them the truth that's always deemed as false. Cruel bigotry.


Be a man of a few words my ass.


I am not a man of a few words. I am a man who stands for what I do, for what is right, what I believe in and what is true. I express my thoughts and my opinions. I exercise my right to speak.


My right to become an individual.


My right to be myself.


My right as a person.


First, I need to get a job, which is hard to do but I can find a way... I'll do my best.


Second, I need to find a place to stay, which isn't hard to do once I get a job.


Third, I need to break the wall in this stupid society I'm forced to live in and with. This stupid culture that confines me. This stupid notion of family that stifles my entire being. This stupid culture that tells children they have to blindly respect and follow adults' opinions and they have the responsibility to obey them and do what they want for your life and be who they want you to be.


I need to break free from this culture, from this society, the Asian traditions, and all.


That is the hardest thing to do, considering the grand scheme of life there is.


So right now, I'm stuck.


I'm stuck in here.


Until I don't know when.


I'm stuck in here.


With nothing...


But my failing ego.


And my ailing soul, suffocating.





kudos to my soul.
oliver.

12 Comments:

eemah said...

Hi! , i'm Eemah. I liked the way you designed your blog.........
your post caught my attention,
I know how you feel, I've experienced that before, and I ended up getting used it. I hated the fact that there is nothing I can do back then, just like what you said " I am stuck in here " and all i can do is to wait and watch what will happen next.. but let me share you my secret, Whenever things get messed up and i snap, i just leave the house. Go out for a walk, go some where you can find your inner peace, well in my case i just go and spend time near the seashore... i just watch the ocean and there I scream as loud as i can until all the hatred i fell will be taken by the wind, does that sound crazy to you? ..works for me though. Sometimes when there are many people by the beach and doing that would be a little embarrassing, I just sit there by the sand watch the people and just write down everything i feel.. write a poem or just draw.. really helps. :)

sssdawna said...

i remember feeling this way when i was...17. i had packed up and left my house by my 18th birthday. my mom was so mad at me, i'd never received such cold treatment from her before. but it's not something that i regret doing.

i think it's good that you stand up for what you believe in and question authority. my mom discouraged me from doing that, which i think is a horrible way to treat a child.

i also think that Eemah's suggestions are great. just getting out of the house as much as possible so you don't do something stupid is a REALLY good idea lol

good luck, keep us posted xo

Mattson Tomlin said...

Being caught somewhere between being one of the kids, and being one of the adults, it's an even more frustrating place to be when you can jump the line back and fourth depending on the situation. but you're not stuck. no one is.

Anonymous said...

I get reprimanded for everything that's morally wrong about my siblings. It's cause I'm the eldest. I get scolded for my religious views. It's cause I'm studying in UP. I get scolded for telling the truth. It's 'cause I'm too honest to them but they don't believe that.

My folks tell me that they know me too well. But you know what? They don't. My siblings know better. My friends know better.

I'm almost leaving those "teen" years, but fuck that. I've got a mind of an 11-year old. I'm childish and child-like at times. Though of course, I also take life seriously and like you, I cannot wait to move out. I want that sense of freedom other teenagers feel. I don't want anything preventing me from "living life to the fullest."

But then again, according to my English professor, "Freedom is an illusion". It's necessary though, for us to carry on with our lives.

Miss Bobo said...

I love this. It looks like a prose piece. You know your individuality will never change so maybe you shouldn't pay so much attention to them in that sense. I lie to my mother most of the time because most of the things I do she would never ever understand them. Adults may be experienced but when it comes to their own children they are still acting like ignorant teenagers

Mrs. C said...

I hope things get better for you at home soon. It would be a shame if you had to break away suddenly. I remember thinking about how my parents were paying for college, and that helped me hang in those last couple of years. :)

Fuuuuuuuu said...

great post!

David Davidson said...

Amen. I know what you mean and can completely relate.

If you falsely accuse me of something I will fight back. If you make a mountain out of a molehill, don't expect me to take you seriously.

Hope things improve for you though, good luck finding that job.

Oliver said...

@Eemah
I'm glad you liked my design. Yes, it's so frustrating when you realize you can't do anything about the situation you truly hate. Your suggestion is good. I just need to find my inner peace, which I don't have trouble in doing. Your therapy is beautiful: going to the beach. I wish I lived in a house with a beach near.

@Dawna
Parents hate you for doing anything they do not approve you of doing. It's frustrating when you want to do something so bad and you just can't, right? The realization that you're not in control of your life, even worse. I promise I'm not going to do anything stupid.

@Mattson
Exactly. Being a teen is sooo difficult. And adults hate teens! Am I not stuck?? Really?

@Anonymous (I know who you are, am just protecting your anonymity. LOL)
Freedom is something so beautiful it is almost unachievable. I don't believe it's just an illusion, though. I will make it happen for myself and I'm gonna laugh at your professor's face.

@Miss Bobo
Glad you liked it. Well, I'm also glad you can relate to this. I hate the feeling of being alone and downright depressed. The house is so hostile I feel like I'm just by myself. Adults can never understand their children even though they say they were also teens a few years back and are just trying to teach you something important.

@Mrs. C.
Thanks. Hmmm... I hope and I know this is gonna pass.

@Fuuuu
Thanks...

@David
It's cool that you can relate. Thanks for the 'hope' and 'good luck.' I'll be fine. =]

JodieeHeartzYou said...

I try to get out of the house as much as possible. I can't wait till I'm 18 to get my butt out. Seriously. My mom died when I was young so.... I now am stuck with my dad and my stepmom(don't like her much), my stepbrother(ugh.), stepsister(HATE HER WITH ALL MY GUTS.) and my real brother(he's awesome.)
So... I shall wait impatiently for my 18th birthday. At the moment, I am in my school play and I am pretending to need to stay after school for help as much as I can. I'm trying to get home late. Good luck! :)
-Jodie-Ann

Miss Bobo said...

you know parents don't all hate their children. Sometimes they are just frustrated with not understanding teenagers and the fact that they don't follow their rules or traditions instead of explaining their point of views and actually discussing things then throwing back their broken down emotions and past happenings. It's all down to the fact that sometimes the decisions they have made still come to haunt them and they end up sort of putting it on you. You will come to understand them in due time

Oliver said...

@Anonymous
Okay. Let's just talk when we see each other in school, okay? Not here. LOL.

@Jodie
Wow. I hate my sisters sometimes... but I can just imagine what my life would be like if my sisters were step-sisters. I'm sixteen. Two more years! Two years! And thanks for the good luck.

@Miss Bobo
Yes. I understand that. Well, I think I will come to a realization someday that will surely break my heart. =|

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