14 August, 2010

I am Not a Hero

I am not a good person, and I cannot fly.

Hey, guys! I haven’t blogged in a while. Yeah, there’s a student right here who’s been quite busy during the weekdays. Well… Before anything else, as you can see, this blog just underwent a major overhaul. I’ve wanted to redesign my blog for quite some time and just recently I decided to finally do so. I think this is better than the black one but I will surely miss the former OVERVILLE header (the one with the maple leaves). This new design is really nice. What do you think?

Okay. Today is a Saturday and I had a class from 1:00 to 4:00 pm. Basically in this class we are being taught how to become better citizens by learning how to help people in need, specifically during times of disasters and accidents. Last Saturday we were taught different ways to properly carry people (victims). Those carries are applicable during certain situations like when you see a decent-looking man lying unconscious on the street and you care enough for dead-looking strangers that you decide to carry that man on your back and take him somewhere as he waits for the perfect time to slit your throat and steal your bag. During real accidents, like during a fire, say in an office, you can also apply those carrying skills to further incapacitate yourself to escape the burning building by carrying your good-looking female workmate, who apparently passed out by suffocation, on your shoulder, regardless of the fact that she only found out that Ricky Martin is gay. 

So what did we learn today? The art of pumping someone’s chest and discharging your breath into his/her mouth, abbreviated CPCR, stands for cardio-pulmonary cerebral resuscitation. So ideally, when you see someone unconscious, being a good citizen, here’s what you’re gonna do:

1. Survey the scene.
    If you’re the only person in that area, pretend you’re doing some kind of CSI work. Look for clues that may tell what happened to the victim. By doing this, you can tell whether something fell from the stairs on that person… or the person fell from the stairs, or he fell off an airplane, or something fell off an airplane on him… or he’s just drunk. I’m not even gonna do this first step. If I see someone like that and I’m the only person around, I’m gonna hurry and get away from the scene before the cops arrive and accuse me of homicide. I’d rather not be a good citizen than become a prime suspect or be questioned by the police. I don’t like police officers.

2. Check for responsiveness.
    Tap the person’s shoulders. Say, “Hey ma’am/ hey sir! Are you okay?” If the person doesn’t respond, you have to do something you’re not gonna like. If the person does respond, leave him alone. No. That just means you no longer have to proceed to the next steps. If the person responds, and he bites you, and you fall in love with each other, then you’re probably inside Stephenie Meyer’s head.

3. Check for ABC.
    A is for airway, B is for breathing, C is for “Call 911 quick!” No. C is for circulation. So remove anything that blocks the airway. Check if the person’s still breathing. Check for pulse. If there’s no breath and no pulse, you might just want to think the person’s dead. Being a good citizen, you have to do CPR to revive him/her. I’ve told you I’m not a good citizen.

4. CPCR: place the heels of your hands on the person’s chest near the sternum.
    So first, you have to Google where the hell a person’s sternum is. But whatever, just place the heels of your interlocked hands on the victim’s chest. Then you have to pump twenty times for twenty seconds. After that, count another ten pumps. There’s a proper way on how to do this. I just can’t explain it here. I am not an expert on this, not even a good enough citizen.

5. Open the person’s mouth, pinch the person’s nose, and give two full breaths into his/her mouth.
    Don’t you think this step is really awkward? If you’ve seen someone do this, then you know what I’m talking about. Mouth is on someone’s mouth. What if the victim suddenly wakes up and he/she sees your mouth on his/her? Slap on the face. Punch on the stomach. Explanations. Apologies. Thanks. This is really weird. I will never do this.

Yes. I know how to do CPCR but I’m never gonna do it. Why can’t I just call the emergency hotline? The instructor told us that before anything else, we should call for help. Okay. So why not just call for help and leave that person alone? I’ve become a good citizen already by even bothering to call for help. Do you think if you get in a situation like that, you’ll actually kneel by that person, push his/her chest, and breathe into his/her mouth, just to become a good citizen? Just to help? Just to become a good person? Why not leave that person and go straight to church and pray for his/her recovery? Or if you expect worse to become worst, just pray for that person’s soul. Now you’re a much better person.

Off the topic: it’s my sister’s birthday today. She just arrived home from her makeover. She came home with full bangs and shorter hair. She doesn’t like it. My mom doesn’t like it either. I like it because now I get a hearty laugh whenever I look at her. HAHAHA…ppy birthday!

kudos to good deeds and good bangs.


Mrs. C said...

Now, Oliver... I know you wouldn't be that heartless. You just like to write funny blog posts. Here's hoping you never have to be a hero. :)

ScoMan said...

Happy birthday to your sister.

And of course you're a hero. It's just like Captain Hammer says "Everyeone's a hero in their own way, in their own not THAT heroic way"

Captain Hammer is never wrong.

You have school on a Saturday? Damn. It's important stuff you were learning, but I don't think I could use it either. I'd be too scared to mess it up and make the person.. even.. more.. dead.. somehow. Maybe turn them into a zombie. Nobody would want that.

Oliver said...

If not wanting to do CPCR on a dead-looking stranger makes a person heartless... then I surely am. It's cool that you think my blog posts are funny!

And that's also one of my worries. I don't know if I will be able to do it right. It worries me that I might pump on someone's chest too hard I might dislocate his/her sternum. Sternum -- doesn't it sound cool? Captain Hammer is way cooler.

Anonymous said...

I just don't wanna do CPCR because the person might have herpes or something like that. :|

Let's all just call 911 instead and let experts do the reviving. ;)

Oliver said...

You gotta explain to me how that is possible. LOL. XD

Sunakshi said...

Happy birthday to your sister. :)

Liked the blog makeover ^_^

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